Dear Creative Bugs,
Welcome to my new segment on the Virgo Girl Blog, Feed Your Soul. A place to stimulate your mind and feed your soul with positivity and inspiration to encourage a healthy mind-set in your personal life and your relationships.
I’ve learned so much from 2016 that I will carry over into this year and I refuse to let my mental health suffer any longer. I refuse to carry the weight of failure, not succeeding fast enough, and not being happy in my personal life, be a factor in holding me back.
If you ask anyone who knows me they will tell you I’m not big on emotions, I refuse to allow emotions to cloud my mind for too long if there is no immediate result. Why cry if there is no solution? Why express yourself if you can’t fix the end result? Why vent when it won’t change the outcome? I believe in positivity and self-expression through hugs, love, and the building and growing of relationships.
However, for too long I have been the victim of overthinking, being too rational, and thinking about the Z before A has even started. I’m the same person who hasn’t taken a vacation in almost a decade because “what’s the point of a vacation when I have to come back to my reality?” Why enjoy a moment that only lasts for that moment? I would much rather be working, hustling, bettering my financial state, taking actions where I can see results.
Listen to me my Creative Bugs: I promise you this is no way to live. I promise you will be an emotional black hole and no longer recognize yourself. You will no longer be able to separate day from night, laughter will pass you by, the memory of yesterday will seem like ages ago, simple pleasures will become annoyances, spending time with people will be like a chore, you will watch favorite TV shows to feel some sort of normalcy but your mind won’t shut off to enjoy them for the constant thoughts about what you have to do later.
I vowed to enter 2017 a new person. I vowed that I would accept change, small baby steps to see if it would help. Hence, the reason for this new segment on the blog. Never in a million years would I have been this vulnerable to family, friends, yet alone the entire world, but what do I have to lose?
So here it goes:
Here is the story of how I lost my freedom.
For twelve years, ten married, I have been in a relationship with my best friend. For the past five to seven years it’s been an unhealthy roller-coaster ride of emotions. We both decided that this year would be it, we mentally couldn’t do it to ourselves any longer and needed to separate. I won’t bore you too much with the details, but I put on my big-girl undies, went to see an apartment that I fell in love with, applied for it all on my own, and was approved. Now for most, this wouldn’t seem like such a big deal, seeing as people get approved for apartments all the time. I don’t know why, but this approval validated something for me. It was like the world was telling me “Okay, we believe you, we believe and accept that you are leaving this time, despite the hundreds of other times where you said it and never did. This is it, You are ready to be on your own!”
Long story short, I found that in order to get the apartment I would need to come up with a large sum of money within a matter of seven days. Creative Bugs, when I say I tried everything (that my pride would allow, anyway) to come up with it, I mean I tried everything. I even put my ego in my pocket and practically begged (embarrassing moment) a relative for it with the promise of paying it back within a few days. After being told no, no, no, I slipped further into depression, not so much because of the money but the thought of losing my freedom. Freedom is such a broad word. One would think, “Hey, you’re free, what are you talking about? It was just an apartment.” But not to me, to me it was much more than four walls and a roof.
This apartment was my freedom in so many more ways than you could imagine.
This was my freedom to rediscover who I am.
My freedom to be a grown-up and own responsibility for the person I am and the actions I take.
The freedom to wake up and make my own decisions; the “we” I had been for the past twelves years, would become “me”.
The freedom to say hello again.
The freedom of accepting what was happening.
The freedom to be forced to do less talking and become more active for me.
The freedom to not have a safety net that would rescue me instead push me past that comfortable place.
The freedom to stand on my own regardless of the hardships ahead.
And the freedom to accept that all things must change, whether good or bad.
The truth is I felt mentally trapped and this was going to be my way out, my way to be mentally free. Free from all the negativity, the bullshit, the walking on eggshells. The freedom to live, breathe, and relax again.
In the end, due to financial reasons I was unable to move forward with the apartment. While this is the most emotional, honest, and personal post I’ve penned, I will say that it has helped me tremendously to cope with what happened. I don’t like to lose, I hate the word no, and I’m probably a little upset that I had to even disclose all this to you without having a happy ending. But take me as proof—just because there isn’t a happy ending doesn’t mean you failed. Another opportunity could be close by that may be an even better one. You can either create a new story to keep pushing or give up. Which one do you think I’m choosing?
I’m choosing to create a new one. My life is no longer defined by circumstances out of my control. I can only plan and accept the uncertainties with a smile, positivity, and think “What can I do to keep moving?”
Welcome to the new me for 2017!
I hope you enjoy this journey of learning about me as I discover myself.
xoxo — Missy